Breaking football news: The Gang of Four, irritated at dropping points against lesser opposition, have decided that as of next season they will only play each other. Phoeble Dork-Screeching, a spokesharridan for the clubs, explained : ‘On days when matches against the rest of the Premiership are scheduled we shall be holding exhibition games in our own stadia. Demand for tickets is so astronomical that we’ll fill every seat easily, and as we’ll be playing at home pretty much every week it will effectively double our revenue. Our supporters come to see us win, not to watch a contest between two fairly matched sides. That concept died twenty years ago when we refused to share our home gate receipts with the away teams. Meanwhile the rest of the Premiership will have it all to play for: fifth and sixth place, and relegation.’
Asked to comment, Bert Fish of the FA said: ‘Obviously this is great news for grass roots football. To further help the Gang of Four, the FA has also decided to remove from them the onerous necessity - and possible failure with corresponding loss of earnings - of battling through to the semi-finals of the FA Cup. All four as of next season will receive a bye to that stage of the competition.’ Asked what would happen to those teams who had battled through that far he went on: ‘Obviously this will be a real benefit to grass roots football. We’ll have some kind of plate thing they can play for. It’s good for everyone - except those who support minor teams or those who believe resources should be divided fairly in the interests of excitement and competition. But these days that’s just a few cranks, and we at the FA can’t be bothering with minorities like that.’